TW: violence, rape, sexual assault.
Hi there beautiful, from your future self.
I see the upset, confusion, hurt, anger, deflation & heartbreaking pain you are enduring right now. I see how your view yourself – cause of problems, crazy, fat, ugly both inside and out, unwanted, useless, worthless, an annoyance and an absolute pain. Please stop, you are not any of those things that’s he made you feel and your future self now realises that! Your pretty amazing really!
It pains me to think of everything that I could warn you about and how much damage, pain and hurt I could spare you from the effects of just one horrible person. But if I could then please continue to read to know what I would say to you.
I wish I could warn you not to give him all those endless chances that you are going to give him. That part of you that believes he is going to change, is lying to you. He’ll falsely accuse you of cheating, that’s how the “relationship” ends. Spoiler alert – turns out he’s the one who cheated! You’ll realise in your next relationship which is let me tell you, amazing, that love is never meant to hurt nor is it ment to mentally & emotionally torture like he will do to you. Love doesn’t bring disrespect, distrust, hurt, sadness, insecurity, self doubt, lack of self worth, guilt trips & pain like he does. He will convince you that your emotional reactions to the abuse are the problem rather than the abuse itself, nothing will ever be his fault & he will never admit to being wrong. There will be silent treatment & neglect.
There will be so many times throughout this relationship where he will project blame for his choices and actions onto everyone else except for himself. At the beginning you will see red flags when he has an issue with you heading out with friends for a few drinks. It will end but not for long. He’ll draw you back in & will ask for another chance, you’ll tell him you aren’t so sure but he’ll win you over with his twisted lies of how his mother found a lump on her body & that he took his stress of that out on you heading out with your friends. He will lie continuously on this topic just so he can worm his way back into your life to continue too many long years of sick emotional, mental & at times physical torture on you.
You will be on a scary ride, a mental & emotional torture roller-coaster. But in time you will have a lucky escape & finally begin to see & understand that it isn’t and was never you, it was his him! The mind games will end, you’ll think that you aren’t a strong person but let me tell you the future you will think you are one hell of a strong person with the pain & hurt you are about to endure. The future you will believe that you are strong and powerful enough to deal with and get through whatever life will throw at you after dealing with this gaslighter & narcissist.
He will do some very hurtful things to you. He will express his love to another girl and he will be caught out in doing so by you. When you confront him he will make you feel like the one at fault. You will find out that he’s active on a dating website & not long after that you will again learn he has been active on another dating website. He will tell you it isn’t him & that someone is out to ruin yer relationship. But it is him, both times. Not anyone else. You will try to walk away from the nightmare of a relationship but you will back down and agree not to when he emotionally blackmails you by threatening to end his life.
There will be a Friday night where you drop your phone in his car. Upon routing for your phone you will find an empty condom wrapper. When you quiz him on it he will blame it on one of the lads that “must have dropped it there!”
Another night you will be having some painful stomach pains. It will be obvious and he will be aware as you are bent over in pain. As he will like to phrase it, he will “playfully jab” you with his hand into your stomach and tell you he’s sorry and that he didn’t mean it while crying, again. You will be in much more physical pain after that, as if you weren’t in enough.
Another night you will be getting ready to go out. He will complain all day about how he doesn’t want to go out. You will tell him that if he doesn’t want to go out that’s fine but that you are. While getting ready he will push you onto the bed and force sexual intercourse. You’ll tell him multiple times to stop & to get off you but he will choose to ignore you & carry on.
Afterwards, you will be sick to your stomach, upset, bleeding from the force & also hurt both emotionally & physically. He will cry, say he’s sorry & that he didn’t mean it. He will ask you why your angry & he will then decide not to speak to you even though you haven’t done anything wrong. A few years later you will see an amazing therapist & discuss what happened. Your therapist will tell you there’s a term for that, its called rape. You will defend him & makes excuses by saying he didn’t mean it like that only to remember that you did tell him to stop & to get off you, multiple times.
Unfortunately, your future therapist will tell you that he has committed another form of rape on a separate occasion whereby you were asleep & woke upto your shorts & underwear pulled down with his hand down there.
Your future self still won’t be okay after the last two above incidents I mentioned but your therapist will do their best to help & guide you through the permanent scars of the destruction he has left you with from the sexual assaults. You will only be able to tell a very small circle of people about these two incidents. Not all your family will know and not all your friends will know either as you will want to spare as many people as you possibly can from the sick truth. But that is what helps you for now & that’s okay too.
Nights out – you will walk on a ground of eggshells! You will dread the thought of breaking the news that you are heading out. You will give into not going out so many nights which future you will regret. You will be torn with words before a night out – “are you wearing that?” he will say as you step out in your absolute favourite outfit that makes you ooze confidence. He will remark on your appearance but not nicely. He will describe the appearance of his ideal girl to you, complete opposite of your appearance. He will flirt with other girls in front of you. He will grab other girls by the bum that he is friends with, right in front of you while he will shove his private area into another girls face as she sits on a path.
You will lose male friends because of him & he will try to demolish other male friendships too but won’t succeed with them ones. After ye break up, he will try to destroy your life with lies so that his can’t be destroyed with the truth, he will try his best to control how others see you.
I could go on for so much longer about all the things that will happen throughout this relationship & afterwards but unfortunately you already know the remainder of it that hasn’t been mentioned as you have lived it.
Fast forward to a few years later. You will still question why & what made him feel he had the right? Your angry at yourself for not having the courage to leave when you wanted to. But you also have understanding as to why you felt you couldn’t. The gaslighter and narcissist had you trapped, mentally & emotionally. But you are doing amazing now, so much better than you were then. Your free now and doing what you wants to do. Your therapist will point out to you that he had to end the relationship because you began to rebel against his demamds for a few weeks prior to the break up, you begin to give in and say I’m going out with my friends whenever I want, staying out all night cause that’s what I want,I’m going to talk to guy friends if I want to. You rebelling will be the best thing ever. Just wait and see!
Love, the happier future you! X
