Dearest Emily,
It’s hard to think of all the things I could warn you about and tell you. All the things I could prevent by just giving you all of the secret shortcuts to take. It’s even harder to think of all of things that lie ahead for you because you’ve already been through so much, at just 15. I know you feel lonely, and sometimes separated from the people closest to you. You spend days in bed in the darkness not being able to face the world too often. That overwhelming feeling you experience on a daily basis is something known as anxiety, and its best mate depression. You won’t know that until a professional therapist uttered the words to you in your mid-twenties. You’ll realise all of the coping mechanisms you practice religiously to get you through life, but it doesn’t need to be the way you have to live your life. What’s hiding in your head is a lot worse when it stays there manifesting and as tacky as it sounds, life is absolutely worth it. It’s worth doing the uncomfortable thing and growing. So be nice to yourself, eat every burrito you find and indulge in daytime baths. You can take on your worst days and have better days because of it.
One day you won’t have to keep shedding your past but be proud of it. The frizz helmet and mouth full of braces will grow out. You will repair and create so many new beautiful connections to people. You will continue to stick up for what is right even if it does cost you some of those connections. But there’s so much more to gain than there is to lose. Always remember that. Even when it seems like it can’t get any worse it will get easier. Even three more people will join your beautiful family and you will love them so fiercely. Family might drive you mad, but you’ll always realise that they are the essence of you. So, laugh more with your mom, get stories out of your dad and realise those other two are the missing pieces of your soul.
You will also live your best queer life you’re hiding to yourself. You will experience homophobia as you come out, but you will also be there to vote to legalise gay marriage with your best friend in a day you’ll never forget. There’s never a time you felt straight or binary and one day you will thank the beautiful Mother Nature for that too. There’s so much to celebrate in life so wear the new socks fresh out of the packet, shave your head and keep getting tattoos you need to apologise to your mom for because you are a strong unapologetic dyke with a life filled with beautiful moments. Anxiety will still be there but at least you’ll have slick socks and shoes with flames on the side to look down on to help you realise how great it is to be an adult.
Always with love,
Em.
