Dear G,
If only you could go back, be a little less ashamed and hard on yourself, and see how much love you’re worth. But all those hard moments have shaped you into the strong, confident woman you are today!
You thought you found yourself the ideal, love of your life you have always hoped to find, exactly what you hoped to have when growing up and seeing your grandparents. So many exciting new things and experiences happening in your life. You tried to push yourself out of your comfort zone but still stay true to yourself. Everything was going great until it wasn’t. A year in, you got that gut feeling that many people talk about, but you brushed it off. Just like that out of nowhere he ends it, goes off, and has a great time with his mates, and sleeps with another girl. Drunk calls you to tell you but chickens out instead texts to say there are too many people in the room all while you lay awake all night with a fever. He texts to say he wants to spend your special day with you. You get back into town and meet up, he gives you flowers and apologizes, and because you want it to work after being together for a year you brush it off despite having to constantly see the girl all the time that he slept with. Things are going well. You’re focused and working hard on your degree, putting in the hours as you know they’ll pay off all while supporting his schedule and dreams in any way you can, all while trying to deal with personal things as well.
Fast forward a couple of months and the same thing happens again, there is this similar patterns as before. There’s been talk about him flirting and texting other girls, but you don’t believe those people because ‘he loves you’. You go and plan on surprising him one evening despite your heart beating so fast and being scared of seeing him. Asking yourself why am I scared to go see my own boyfriend and that you should ask his permission first but he’s been avoiding you and a friend tells you to go see him, he’d be happy to see you. You get to his place and he’s not there but his roommate says he should be back soon, so you decide to wait after a long day. He comes back with his friends and the first question is ‘what are you doing here’, no hug, no kiss, no nice to see you, babe. Instead, he goes on to ask when is your next bus home and that you should get going so as not to miss it all while looking at his phone and you notice him swipe a text away so fast. Minutes later a girl walks in and demands him to come out for her birthday, but he declines. She remains set on getting him to come out when you shift in the bed next to him, he tries to hide you and doesn’t refer to you as his girlfriend. She eventually leaves and he gets up to walk you to the bus, no conversation whatsoever. He ends up coming to your place and you guys talk, you ask him what’s going on this leads to a fight and he tells you things are over, he needs some space as he has too much going on. He spends the night and while he’s passed out next to you his phone keeps going off, and you hate breaching people’s privacy especially those you trust but your gut tells you otherwise, so you look, and there as people had said are text messages from the same girl who had a problem with him walking you out. Message after message from times when he said he was out with his mates and told you he didn’t want to be on his phone while with friends yet drunk texting her those same nights. He leaves the next morning saying you’ll meet for lunch but ignores you when you contact him. Both of you have a lot going on, exams are literally in a few days, and these count towards your degree. When you meet, he tells you to leave him alone, that he needs space, ‘too much going on’. You leave and walk home balling your eyes out. And try to focus on your exams all while still fighting for your relationship. You go home right before exams to get some space and focus. Still stay in touch with him when it suits him, you do not want this to end, so you start asking yourself was it something you did or said for this to happen. You don’t get back together; you hear he went and slept with the same girl he was texting that claimed was only a friend and he never flirted or fancied her. But you already knew that deep down, your gut feeling has never been wrong so far. Time passes and there’s still constant contact back and forth while you work during the summer, you hear more things about what he has done and the people he got with.
Before you know it, summer is over and you are in your final year. What an exciting time, your hard work is paying off and things start to look up for you. Despite many people trying to tell you that you are making a mistake without even realizing it you are back together. You think to yourself this relationship is going to work, he loves you and cares about you and he doesn’t see a future with anyone else, he’s said it so many times and you believe him.
Final year, you work on patching things up, you once again must deal with constantly seeing now two girls he’s slept with, one of them even trying to be friends with you. He stays most weekend at yours, you do his laundry, make his dinners, all while working and studying and being a supportive girlfriend. Then you notice he’s still texting a girl he slept with, you bring it up and explain how it makes you feel and that if the tables were turned he’d feel the same. He responds ‘you’re being dramatic and childish, she’s an important friend despite admitting that she has feelings towards him and always asks where your relationship stands. So you don’t say anything because his response has always been ‘ you’re being dramatic, childish, or just negative’. You stop voicing your feelings, he starts to make comments about other girls in front of you and comparing your appearances to others. Things like ‘your teeth aren’t straight and white enough’, ‘your ass and tits aren’t big enough, join the gym’. He tells you that you don’t have enough friends. But remember quality over quantity! Yet you still support him and tell yourself that he loves you despite something changing inside of you.
Now, You find yourself comparing to the girls he talks about and looks at on social media and you notice him becoming more secretive and the way he talks to you isn’t something you ever thought he’d do. You think back to your childhood and the trauma from that makes you want to close off even more but you push through because he has a lot going on and it’s your job to support him. Things continue to progress and before you know it the year is almost over. You find out he’s still looking at girls he slept with and gloating to his friend and is still texting the same girl in secret by deleting the messages the same one you brought up before but you don’t say anything because you’re helping with his surprise birthday party and don’t want to cause an argument.
Before you know it, it’s a new year and there’s more pressure than ever with the final semester of college, so you dive right in and work hard. He has important events coming up so you work even harder to be able to be there and support him. You understand the importance of them, but he doesn’t even really acknowledge your birthday or any of the things you have going on or you’ve done to try and lessen his stress load. You have a huge fight weeks later; he storms out to spend the day with his mates after you canceled plans with your friends to spend the day with him. You try and talk to him which results in him saying so many hurtful things and after you quote him he denies ever saying. He tells you ‘you’ve done nothing for him, you just stress him out, you have no work ethic, and that he can’t even bring you around his friends. Your friends see you bawling your eyes out and tell you it’s not worth it after everything he’s done and that you’re worth so much more respect and you tell yourself that too but still let things blow over and he comes back. Fast forward to final exams beginning he has not made any effort and you keep telling yourself he has a lot going on. He ends up going out with his friends instead of inviting you, so you stay in and study for your finals. You find out he was not planning on coming home but ends up coming back drunk and passes out with no conversation about your day. His friend rings him, you answer it instead as he is asleep. You’re about to put the phone down when you see a message from him to his friend asking about a particular girl, one you had previously brought up, but he denied knowing her. You saw all the signs leading up to this night, the constant new girls adding him, texting him and him being secretive on his phone. You also see a text to his friend saying how he is not sure about the relationship anymore instead of trying to talk to you about it. He wakes up at one point and you ask him if he’s breaking up with you, he responds with ‘no, don’t be stupid I love you’ and pulls you in to cuddle before falling back asleep. You end up being awake the entire night crying telling yourself it’s nothing, you are just being ‘dramatic and overthinking it’. The next morning he wakes up avoiding you but you bring up the conversation about his recent behavior, he stops you and tells you he needs to pack first so that he can leave when he wants. You continue saying your part, him denying everything and then losing his temper and saying that you guys need a break, he has ‘too much going on’, you’re stressing him out and his exams are approaching. He goes on to tell you that he sees a future with you and no one else, he loves you and cares about you and doesn’t want to lose you because you’re important to him. He asks for time to get his exams done and figure things out, not once even thinking about you being in the middle of your final exams and other things you have going on. Not one consideration about you instead he says that you are selfish and only care about yourself and like being dramatic and childish so for ‘once’ you let him ‘focus on his stuff’. He walks out as nothing happened, you run after him, text him apologizing for bringing it up, for stressing him out, for being ‘dramatic and childish’ with him responding that he’s too you for a relationship, he needs to focus on himself and his career but that he cares about you and sees a future with you, same things you have heard before. So you power through your final exams with the help of your friends and your sisters holding you during the night while you cry yourself to sleep. Two days after the breakup he blocks you on social media so that ‘you’re not upset with the things you’d see and he’s doing it for your own good’. But you know what’s happening, it happened before.
After three months of no communication he reaches out to meet up for a coffee and you do. Which results in him shedding tears and apologizing but also accusing you of talking down to him just because you showed no signs of weakness about the breakup and told him what you went through was on him and that it’s not your job to make him feel better about it because he made his bed so he has to lay in it. He accuses you of ‘getting your sh*t together’ just to spite him. He cries and tells you he misses you and cares about you but he’s not ready to jump back in and be forced into the relationship again. You walk away, and communication continues back up after that. You hear the same things as before from him all while he’s getting with other girls. You work hard all summer and focus on you, your friends, and your career.
You get into your second degree and are prepared to work hard and unexpectedly meet this amazing guy out of nowhere. You don’t want to go on a date because you’re scared that this will ruin your chances of your previous relationship getting back on track but your friends remind you that he has gone on dates and didn’t try and hide his activities from you so you have every right to go on a date nearly a year since the breakup. He finds out and gives out about you to friends calling you childish and disrespectful which you go on to apologize for once again. You’re still talking to the guy you met all while still letting ‘him’ get to you and allowing him to make you feel guilty for moving on. You get a card with what seems like a sincere apology and promising to do better and you feel that small bit of hope, so you reach out which leads to him telling you he’s not ready once again so you focus on your big day celebrating with family and friends. You have a great night but then find out you are ‘being disrespectful’ by not acknowledging him on your big day despite him ending things halfway through your final year exams. You no longer hold back and tell him exactly how he’s made you feel for the last two and a half years and how he no longer can blame you for everything and he needs to take responsibility for all the hurtful things he’s done and said. You feel like yourself for the first time in a long time. He moves on a month after telling you he’s not ready and that he sees a future with you. So you make the decision to cut him out completely after meeting once and for all where he tells you, you did nothing for him the entire relationship, you had no work ethic, was too selfish and negative, and that he had to work for months to get you which isn’t the case now in his ‘new life chapter’.
Despite this crazy chapter in your life, you pushed through, you lost your voice and true self for a minute just to try and make certain people stay. Those cruel words might have made you lose your confidence and question your worth but seeing where you are now and how strong and confident you are, nothing can compare.
Feeling lonely, not worthy, and not good enough are only temporary feelings because you found the courage to walk away and stop fighting for someone who clearly never cared, loved, or saw your worth, to begin with. Instead, you put YOURSELF first. You are enough just by being you and how you look. That relationship does not define you; it only shows how compassionate you are and how hard you fight for those that you love.
Fast forward to the present, and you are happier than you could ever imagine. You have learned so much from your past. You’ve learned to never be afraid to voice how you feel or how you expect to be treated and not to ignore your gut feeling or ‘red flags’. You are with someone who Loves You, Communicates with you, never makes you feel ashamed of how you feel, Listens carefully, Supports you, Respects you because you are WORTHY, and deserve HAPPINESS. I hope that anyone who finds themselves in a toxic relationship or are not treated how they know they should be that there is a way out. Sometimes it’s hard to see a way out but there is and family along with friends will support you in any way they can.
You are going to go on and do amazing things with your hard work ethic and achieve everything you put your mind to and don’t ever go changing who you are to fit a man’s needs!
Love always Me,
Your number one fan
G xx
